Chapter 3

On days where young couples do not hustle for a charming spot for their wedding photo-shoot, the famous Food Valley offers a serene and uplifting getaway for depressed vegetables. Occasionally a watermelon-sized boulder would be seen tumbling down the twenty-meter high hill.    

“I seriously think it’s the evil plot by that vegetable queen to hurl rocks at us. See, today’s one is so much bigger than the previous ones.” A guard rubbed a lock of his greasy moustache with his fingers, “My grandfather used to tell me that rocks came from watermelons!” he laughed. “Or was it cabbages? That would have been something.”

The clean-shaven, baguette-wielding guard standing beside gave nothing more than a straight face, accustomed to ignoring his colleague’s dramatic tales. He stared at the boulder. He assured himself that it was probably some scientific or geographical reason. The boulder became larger and larger, from a black speck to a mash of colours. That was when he realized something was not quite right. “Gosh! It’s a girl rolling down the hill!” he exclaimed. He knew what this meant. It was the crisis he had been waiting for.

The moustache guard scratched his chin. “At times like this a nursery rhyme comes to my mind, something about a fetching a pail of water from the well and breaking the crown… I can’t quite remember the exact words…. Hey Willie where’re you going?”

But Willie had already made a beeline for the security post. In one swift maneuver, he swept up a small bazooka and loaded it with purple capsules. He rested the gun on his shoulders, fought to see with sweat draining into his eyes. Steadying his breath, he waited till the girl was within range.  Not a second too soon, he fired.

Four purple bullets cut through the air amidst smoke spewing from the muzzle. The bullets rained on the ground just beneath the girl, then as soon as they landed, a large gooey purple mass erupted. The girl was stopped in her rolling stint, just metres above a bed of sharp stones.

The guard felt his shoulders relax. The bazooka fell to his feet. But he reminded himself that the incident was far from over. “Medics come with me!” he screamed at a row of medical officers who dropped their poker cards and half-eaten doughnuts.

He raced up the hill, his eyes fixated on the motionless body ahead of him. When he approached her, he dived on his knees and brought his ear close to the girl’s face. The sound of exhalation was faint and he could feel her warm breath against his cheek. She’s alive! He felt a surge of relief that nothing bad would happen during his shift of duty.

A cough blasted through his eardrum and saliva latched onto his face.  He sat upright. The girl propped herself up with shaky arms. “Eww, what’s this?” She wiped the purple slime from her shirt.

“It’s jelly,” the unappreciated guard replied. “It saved your life…. I saved your life.”

“Oh, erm thanks” the girl said.

“Willie you were so cool!” the familiar boisterous voice called from behind.

“That’s not surprising,” Willie the guard turned to face his friend, “I’m actually more surprised that you were faster than the medics.” He looked at the girl. She was cleaning off the last bit of jelly from her shorts. “Looks like we won’t be needing the medics after all.” He folded his arms and straightened his back, staring intently at the girl. “Who are you and what are you doing here?” He probed.

“Hey Willie, that’s no way to treat a girl who’s just fallen off the hill and covered in bruises and all.” The mustache-sporting guard retorted. “We can take her back into town, patch her up, then you can interrogate her.” 

“But we can’t just let any random stranger into our town!”

“I’m sorry to cause you guys so much trouble,” the girl interrupted, “It’s just that I met some vegetable thieves just now. They stole all my money and in the struggle, I fell off the top of the hill.”

“See Willie, what a poor girl she must be! Those soggy vegetable thieves have always been a problem! We must help her!”

“Well… alright. I’ll need you to surrender all your items,” Willie pointed at the girl’s pouch. The girl did as she was ordered.

“But I’m still going to ask you questions later,” he continued, “don’t think you can hide anything from me.”

The girl felt her heart exploding and her hands become clammy.

“Yea yea, you can do that later,” the moustached guard interjected, “Right now let’s get Ms Rolled-down-the-hill somewhere safe to rest. Er, what is your name by the way?”

The girl was placing an arm over one of the medical officer’s shoulder. “Esther Neo…er... Neon! I’m from the faraway land of the gas people.”

“Aha! I knew they existed! See Willie I was right! So, can you gasify yourself?”

“Uhh… No… I’m really more of the inert kind.”

“Ah then that’s too bad. I must have gotten my facts wrong. Darn that Omelette!” the moustached guard snapped his fingers. “Oh, I’m Hensl Shishamo, by the way,” he smiled, “Yup, you know that Japanese fish. I’m really proud of my palm-sized grilled fish lineage!”

“Good for you, Shishamo.” The guard who had fired the jelly gun said.

“What’s with him?” Esther asked.

“Ahh my grouchy and over-serious friend. Why don’t you introduce yourself, Willie?”

“Stop calling me that!” the guard snapped, “I am William To, First Rank guard of the Food Garrisons.”

“Pshaw!” Hensl shook his wrists, “Can you believe this guy?” He lowered his voice to a whisper, “His real name is William Potato. He doesn’t want anyone to know he’s a Potato.”

Esther tried to resist her laughter. “Seriously, potato?”

“At one time I thought that ‘To’ referred to Tomato! Someone had spilled hot sauce on him and he went around having a red face for two weeks! Boy was that funny. But he did get lots of respect… Hey, we’re here!”

The sound of metal chains clinking as the gate rose slowly stirred up some suspense in Esther. Here in front of her was a medieval gateway leading into a medieval town. She remembered the fairy tales she used to read when she was four and the Shakespearean plays she used to study in school. The scene was exactly how she pictured it to be from the books and plays, but she was still excited to see what lay behind the gates. As they crossed the drawbridge Esther saw that instead of water, the river housed a strange bronze liquid. “Is that what I think it is?”

“It’s oil! Clever right? When there’s an attack, we heat up this oil and it becomes a river of boiling madness!”

Esther shuddered at the thought of falling into a river of boiling oil. The gates rumbled behind her and clanked shut. She had now entered Food territory.

Well, so far so good. Phase one completed.